The Distance Between Us

Four years ago, I fell head over heels in love for this handsome, dashing young lawyer. He was exciting, cultured and he had me blissfully wrapped around his little finger. The relationship took off like a rocket, and we became virtually inseparable. But soon, a little black cloud fell over my world and he told me had been planning a year long trip, and would be leaving in a few months. To say I was heartbroken would have been an understatement! I was angry, hurt, devastated, and absolutely terrified. Here I thought I'd found the love I'd been waiting for my whole life, and it wasn't mine to keep.

I swallowed my feelings, and decided I would just play it out until he left. We hadn't discussed what, if anything, we would do about the relationship. We both sort of just pretended that nothing had changed (I don't suggest this approach, it's disastrous!), and I don't know how it happened, but we mutually decided that were actually going to try to make it work! He was going to gallivant around the globe, and I was going to wait for him at home. Well, that lasted a total of four months, because after two months of waking up in an empty bed, I sold my apartment, my car, and put my belongings in storage and hopped a plane to Indonesia to meet him. And here we are, four years later, still in love!

I recognize that not everyone has the luxury of picking up and leaving on a whim. And let me assure you, I went absolutely out of my mind for those four months. But if you are willing to get a little creative (get your mind out of the gutters ladies!), it can be more than bearable. Here are a few pointers that worked for me:

 Communicate the boundaries! Every couple is going to approach this differently and it will be up to the two of you to decide the type of commitment to expect of each other. When my boyfriend first left, we agreed that we would stay 100% committed to each other. Neither of us were interested in "taking a break" or seeing if the grass was greener. We loved each other and wanted to stay together. And we're happy to report, it stayed that way! It doesn't always work out that way. Individuals get lonely. Mistakes are made. And there's infidelity. Only the two of you can determine what will work for you.

Skype is your new best friend! I'm sure that most of us in North America (and much of the world) are familiar with skype, but if you're not, get acquainted! Panama, Columbia, London, Bali, my beau was only a phone/video chat away. Some couples like to make "phone dates". This is a fabulous idea, and gives you something to look forward to. It keeps the relationship fresh and exciting! Because my boyfriend was traveling, I wanted him to enjoy his time away and never slotted him in for a set time. This was ideal because he often phoned when I wasn't expecting it (and he phoned way more often!).

Write it down. There's so much time the two of you spend apart. Like me, you'll have moments when you think of something funny, or something reminds you of your loved one and you'll want to turn to them to share it with them. That feeling will take some getting used to, so to combat that empty feeling, I wrote everything in a journal, like an ongoing conversation. You can choose to share it with your partner later or you can just use it as a tool to cope with the distance. Either way, it feels good.

How to Survive a Break Up

There a million break-up books out there with a million different pieces of advice on how to go through a break up. Some say address the past, some say ignore the past. Some say get back out there as soon as possible, and some say stay away from relationships and take time to work on yourself. How do you know what advice will work? The truth is, you don't know. Unless you're a break-up artist and make it a habit of dropping partners like a bad habit, knowing how to cope isn't something you can necessarily  read in a book or a magazine. Every relationship is different, and you'll feel differently about each person you leave (or whom leaves you).

I broke up with my fiance of six years a few years back, and while it was one of the most painful decisions I ever had to make, in hindsight, it was the most intelligent decisions I'd ever made, and it benefitted both of us in the end. As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I didn't know what I was going to do. I couldn't imagine waking up the next day without him, but I'd made the decision and I had to be a big girl and accept the consequences. Being the type A personality that I was, I approached the break-up process like I was a project manager. I compartmentalized ever aspect of the failed relationship and decided what I wanted to take with me, and what I knew I had to leave to the ghosts of relationships past. Some of these tips may not be for you, but these are some things that helped me not only survive my break up relatively unscathed, but also maintained the integrity of the relationship itself.

1) Stop being friends on Facebook! There is nothing worse than seeing someone you loved change their status from engaged to single and then into a relationship. Even though, you know it's over, you don't need a reminder that you are no longer the main fixture in their lives. No matter how strong you think you are, it's still painful to see photos of your ex-partner with a new love interest. So save yourself the heartache and hit delete.

2) Change your bedding! I know this sounds superficial, but I'm telling you, it was a small act that made a big difference in my break up. Scent is a potent reminder of a lover past, and it was time to move on. I marched myself down to Bed Bath & Beyond and bought myself luxurious new threads. I forced myself to try to physically disconnect from the memory of our intimacy, and embrace a new me.

3) Move Your Booty! Getting active was not only a fabulous distraction, but it gave me a renewed confidence when I did work up the courage to get back out on the dating scene. Personally, dancing was a new found passion of mine, and I also did a program called P90X that allowed me to work out my aggressions, and get ripped doing it!

4) A little self indulgence goes a long way! I have to admit, I am in favour of a little retail therapy to soothe a mending heart. Emphasis on little. I went out and bought myself some expensive cosmetics that I wouldn't have purchased during the relationship because I was concerned about finances and made an effort to get dolled up more often.

5) Make up for lost time! Spend time with friends, family, colleagues and anyone else who fell to the wayside during the relationship. When we're romantically involved, we often cocoon ourselves aways from friends and family and fall out of touch. Now is a good time to reconnect!

Relationship Rescue 101

Here we are in a new year. It's been a season of champagne, celebration, feasting, gift-giving, gift-receiving, and holiday chaos, and now the two of you are left standing alone, amidst the tattered party favours, facing another 365 days of life. Perhaps it hasn't been a kind year to the two of you. Perhaps there was financial strife, perhaps significant changes, like a job lost, or the loss of a family member. Or perhaps it was a year of success for the two of you, financial gain, new friends, fabulous vacations. Nonetheless, whether the two of you faced great gain or great loss,  a solid relationship will stand the test of time, but only with a great deal of work. There are many aspects of a relationship that can be overlooked, after all, no one is perfect. However, there are certain issues, that if left to fester, will stop a relationship, cold. And the two of you will be left standing, placing blame, and wondering what went wrong along the way.

Jealousy. We all have our own skeletons, our own insecurities, and when left unchecked, they have the potential to poison a current relationship. Jealousy is cancerous in any relationship, whether it's romantic, between siblings, parents and children or likewise. Jealousy between loving partners creates resentment, depression, even hatred. If you find yourself listening in on your partner's phone calls, sneaking a peek at incoming text messages on their phone, or dissecting the events of their evening whilst interrogating them as if you had a forensic psychology degree, you're reaching the point of no return. STOP. And ask yourself, "Why am I jealous, and am I being fair?"Is your partner giving you a good reason to be jealous? Are they an outward flirt? Do they make plans and spend copious amounts of time out and not with you? If so, have an honest conversation with them about your feelings. You don't have to use the "J" word, but you certainly have the right to convey your feelings. Don't let a relationship disintegrate because of a lack of communication. Not sure what it means to have good communication? Try this relationship communication test, and see how you fair. If your idea of communication means grunting hello and good-bye to each other, time to roll up your sleeves and get to work!

All fizzle, no sizzle. You've heard it a thousand times, relationships take work, and you can't be in love with each other all the time. The passion will come and go over the years, and that's perfectly normal, just don't let it go until the next presidential election! There are a myriad of reasons why your sex life could be in the pits; Stress at work or with the finances, scheduling conflicts with each other, built-up resentment from past sexual issues in the relationship, or health issues. Dr. Phil often says that relationships are about "negotiation and compromise", and that we need to "carve out time" for each other. When's the last time you had a raw and explicit conversation with your partner about meeting each other's sexual needs? Umm yeah, as Steve in Sex in the City once said to Miranda after a fairly uneventful session of lovemaking, "there was snow on the ground. Make time for each other, life is so incredibly short, why waste it?

Sweating the small stuff. Admittedly, the term 'don't sweat the small stuff" always felt like some philosophical drivel that was made up by someone who wouldn't know what a problem was, if it smacked them upside the head! Alas, there is some truth to this rationale. It is so easy to get caught up in seemingly never-ending bad habits, and annoyances. Mundane issues like housework, errands, mowing the lawn and tasks of the like are never worth starting a fight over. Let it go! LAUGH! If one of you can see through your fog of indignance over who last took the trash out, look at the other, think of something hysterical, and have a good laugh. So as not to fuel an already flickering blaze, quickly tell the other a reason why you fell in love with them, and I guarantee, that heat will be redirected into a far more productive activity! When life gets tense, laughter is always the most effective way to disarm eachother. Watch a funny YouTube video, reminisce about a funny trip you took, and always remember that the two of you are partners in crime set to take on the world, not each other!